


I Loved Him

by Candy_Kittens



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Don't read if you've not watched episode 18, M/M, Spoilers for Episode: s15e18 Despair, whole lotta angst and sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:14:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27424780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Candy_Kittens/pseuds/Candy_Kittens
Summary: He's gone. Cas is....
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 76





	I Loved Him

**Author's Note:**

> So I haven't even watched episodes 17 or 18 of season 15 yet cause the TV service I have is fucking slack at getting shit uploaded. seriously, it's been a week and episode 17 still ain't up. I had the exact same issue with episodes 15 and 16. Almost two whole weeks before Sky TV bothered to put episode 15 up on On Demand after I had tweeted out at them on Twitter about it. Sky TV NZ, you fucking suck.
> 
> That being said, I was unfortunately spoiled about _that_ scene in episode 18 - honestly, while I'm annoyed about that, I'm not too bothered by spoilers - it has prompted me to post up this one-shot that I've had sitting finished in my Google Docs since last week. Though I have altered it just a little to fit in with that scene.
> 
> Now, I'm gonna just go check if these two fucking episodes are up on Sky On Demand yet so I can watch them....
> 
> _also posted into my multi-ship one-shots book on my Wattpad; https://www.wattpad.com/user/-hawkwing_

He's gone. Cas is….

He didn't get the chance to say the words back to him, and now…. Now he'll never get the chance to.

The Empty has taken his angel away from him, and it's final this time. Castiel is gone, and all Dean can do is sit on the floor of the bunker's dungeon and sob.

"Cas." He chokes, looking up, tears streaming down his face. "I don't know if you can hear me, but…" He stops, trying to bring himself to say the words he should've said years ago. "I… I should've told you years ago. I… I love you. I've _always_ loved you."

He hopes that Cas can hear him, but he knows that it's likely that he can't. Not in the Empty. But he's choosing to believe the small sliver of hope that Cas can hear him. He _has_ to believe that he can.

"I'm sorry, Cas." He sobs. "I love you…"

By the time Dean's stopped sobbing, he's not sure how many minutes or even hours have passed. He feels like he can barely function as he sits leaning against the wall in the exact same spot he was when the Empty came and took Cas away from him.

He doesn't even want to get up. All he wants is for Castiel to be back here with him safe and sound, and _alive_. It's all he wants. Forget defeating Chuck for a moment, he wants his angel back.

He needs to tell Cas that he loves him too. Just believing in the chance that Cas has always known isn't enough.

In his grief, he barely even notices Sam and Jack rushing over to his side shouting for him. All he can do is stare off into space at the spot the Empty took Castiel away.

"Hey, hey! Dean!" Sam says, shaking Dean's shoulders, trying to get his attention. "Dean!"

Dean doesn't react, just continues to stare off into nothing. He barely pays any attention to Sam and Jack, and he can't bring himself to even tell them what happened. Saying it out loud will only just make it even more real.

If only this was all just some bad dream, and when he wakes up Cas will still be here. But when does he ever get what he wants? When do _any_ of them get whatever they want?

"Dean, talk to me! What happened?" Sam asks, trying to get him to say something. "Where's Cas?"

 _He's gone_ . Is what Dean would say if he was in any sort of shape to make a coherent sentence. _He's gone, and I can't tell him that I loved him…._

"Sam, something happened in here." Jack says, as he looks around the room, feeling the presence of something terrible left behind.

The residual presence of something that he knows all too well. _The Empty…._

As realisation hits him at what had happened here while they were gone, he drops to his knees next to Sam and Dean. "Cas is gone…" He says, his voice barely above a whisper.

Sam looks at Jack, confused, and fearful. "What?"

"The Empty." Jack says. "It-it took Cas just like it said it would once he found happiness."

He had hoped that this wouldn't happen for awhile yet, but from Dean's distraught state and the fading presence of the Empty, it has happened. Castiel is gone, and there's nothing they can do to get him back this time.

At the sound of Cas's name, Dean is certain that if he still has any years left to shed, he would be. Instead, he lets out a shaky breath, nodding his head.

"Wha- why?" Sam asks, finding it hard to grasp what Jack has just said. " _Why_ would it take him?"

"He made a deal with the Empty." Jack says. "To save me, after I died the first time. That it would take him instead, but it wouldn't take him right away." He explains, teary eyed. "When he found true happiness, then the Empty would be summoned to take him away… permanently."

"H-he did what?" Sam asks, his tears already starting to fall. Castiel is gone, and it's permanent this time. He never got the chance to say goodbye, or try to prevent it.

"H-he's gone." Dean mumbles. "And I never got the chance to say it back to him."

He should've said something. He should have said it back to him. Instead he was too in shock to react the way he wanted to.

And of all the ways Castiel could admit it to him, why did it have to be _that_ way? Why did it have to result in him dying in the end?

Unfortunately Dean knows the answer to that, but it hurts. It hurts so much, and he wishes it didn't have to be like that.

Sam looks down at Dean, only catching what he said. He didn't get the chance to say what?

"Dean, what is it?" He asks. "Talk to me."

"I didn't get the chance..." Dean says, his voice shaking. "I… I loved him."

Sam falters, not exactly expecting that. "Y- you _loved_ Cas?"

Dean loved Castiel? And he never got the chance to tell him?

A loud bang causes Sam to lose his train of thought and spin around in fright, thinking that there's something else after them. But he relaxes as he sees it's just Jack, standing on the other side of the room in front of the wall where there's now a huge gaping hole in the brick.

"Jack?" Sam asks, reluctantly moving away from Dean, and over to Jack.

"I'm gonna get him back, Sam." Jack says, turning to face him, his eyes glowing gold. "Fuck the Empty and it's deal with Cas." He says. "I'm going to get Castiel back."

He looks over at Dean, who's still in the exact same spot. He knows Dean needs Castiel back, that much is obvious. So, so painfully obvious.

And Jack's going to do everything he can to get Castiel back. It'll be harder than the first time, but he's going to do it. He _needs_ to get Castiel back more than ever. For Dean's sake.

Dean _will_ get Castiel back, and then he can tell him what he never got the chance to.


End file.
